Endymion, my one very last question
WHO ARE YOU?
the end
I'm closing my book. So, this is the end. The end of the story; The sevenONEOseven - The Greatest Mountain of A Miracle With A Sweet Little Tragedy. This life is already reach its' end and my new life has already begin. I'm a learner, and will always keep on learning.
RIP Miracle-Mountain
the farewell saying
i'm having a dream
a delusion of a sweetness emotion
i saw myself sinking
into an unknown place
very dark
yet it warm
i want to stay there forever
but the curiosity kills
it setting on the alarm
to wakes me up
from such a beautiful dream
and makes me realize
a sweet dream is just
another visual images
that passing through my mind
but
i am ready to accept any pain
because i know
the trust is the cure
wish this will be last forever
insyaAllah
............................................
an A that being addressed as R
and R being addressed as A
both were stand on a very thin line
of two different unclear world
the new revolutionary of A is a cloud
who tend to suck R's tears
and giving a warm fluffy fatty hugs
and keep it flooded with rainbows of happiness
protecting with her all
so both will stay happily forever
but intensely desirous kills them
maybe she is too eager
it is not wrong to be curious
but its not right to fall for a silhouette
this is actually like a dream
'a delusion of a sweet emotion'
meeting such a charming prince
that she longing for so long
keeping himself in a beautiful silhouette
proudly stand on such a marvelous castle
riding his pegasus to a mountain
and coincidently meet his miracle
R, a grayish outline
that able to shine through her heart
strike the arrow direct into it
crushing to the very thin dark skin
makes it shine with a beautiful love
then it cut into two pieces
before the other half continue the beat inside his beautiful box
a silhouette is something you cant really touch
you cant see
you cant even listen to its voice
the existence is unsure
the feeling is mysterious
but the beat is there
with an unknown thought that you cannot predict
but
when you are already blinded
any rational thought will totally being ignored
though love actually came from a stimulation process
controlled by your brain
the only thing left
is a hope
a hope of a love will stay there forever
control your heart
and everything will be just fine
.....................................................
there was a guy
his muslim name is 'Harun'
another meaning of 'mountain of strength'
he keep on reading Harun Yahya's works
and telling me stories
and sharing our thought together
instead of i as a muslim give him direction
he as a newbie gave me light of guidance
shining through my darkest heart
giving me a box to fill at
until now
i'm still full with this beautiful remembrance
enjoying every single silence
flashing back every single images
with a little bit of bitter smiles
and full pack of crystal cries
"i'm lucky to have you'
that sound echoes
as far as i remember
i never shown any of my happiness
by having him by my side in this journal of mine
but after i lost him
all i can do is just to write
how empty i am without him to look at
its like i'm having a delusion
which there is nothing to proof the existence of this fairytale
whats left is only God
that give me courage days and nights
if he is still alive
i wish that he will always
stay strong on what ever path that he already grabs
as strong as his name craved well on his character
as strong as mountain stay still on its stand
as strong as the feeling i ever felt
and i know
the story has already reach its end
where the happy ending story
is only a myth in any tales
undefined silhouette
I'm closing my eyes. Memorizing our features. I remember, you have a short and spikey hair, while mine is long and wavy. And I went to saloon, and rebounding my hair. So it can be like yours, straight and black. I can see your cheekbones. They are clearly appeared and they make you look manly. I got mine too, especially when I laugh. Your skin is yellowish and it is clean and clear while mine is a bit darker with some post-acnes come into sight. You have a sharp nose, while mine is....er....er....not that sharp. If I were marrying you, I hope our seven As' will have your nose instead. ha ha. You have a wide grin, and you said "smile, so people will smile, because you are smiling". And I, I am now can slowly put a smile. And I am proud of it. And I know you will too. Your eyebrows are forever folded, so do mine. And that makes me look like an anime character. I bet you have a funny face too, just like me. You have deep eyes and I think we are even. People scared of staring my eyes. But I am not scared at yours. In fact, I captivated because of yours. You have clear chin line. ah! I fall for your chin line. I'm getting my chin just like yours. I am now dieting. pfft. You like to look smart and casual, a sporty kind of person. Very energetic and happy. While I love to look elegant. I'm a lady in a making. You have short and muscular hands while I have long slender hands though I am not that thin. Both of us have broad shoulder. My body looks like a swimmer though i do not know how to swim. You have such an athletic figure, as you love to do sport activities and build up muscle. You have a big tattoo on your back, and I would love to see it one day. It is your pride. It is also your abashment. I know every lines on your face, and you know every of mine too. But, if we come before each other, we wouldn't be know who we are. Because we never knew each other. Though we dreamt about each other. And we love each other. But the life that we live, has never meant for each other.
[•] the beautiful house of the death
of all things had happened between us
regret never come into my sight
every little pain i ever felt
is the proof that the heart i once gave
is still warmly living inside
the memorial of the beautiful remembrance
is still bloomed with flowers and fragrance
by means of the visitor to this city of the death
is still exist
for past few months
this place is still cherished
with the laughter of our memories
and a year has passed
since the first time
the mountain and the miracle
have been granted a permission to meet
and falling in love together
and the tears of love is still falling
suffer from being in love
is the most beautiful virus
ever infected
the saddest part is the virus is now slowly cure
i'll come again
we'll meet again
Birthday gift
A forever in love together.
I kill you because I'm so in love with you.
pfft
Click [here]
Thank you Melissa
for decorating my beautiful house
The confession of love. The revealed of the tragedy.
Endy : Someone is cutting her heart into two
Endy : There's an empty hole inside me.
Endy : And the other half is being cut
Endy : Seems to fit the empty hole.
Serene : I thought it was a non-existence space.
Serene : It can be seen but it can't be touched.
Serene : So the other half of her heart
Serene : Crushed on the floor instead.
Endy : It can be touched.
Endy : Try to put the heart into it's place.
"Would you be my unintended?"-Endy asked.
Endy : I know you understand that.
Serene : But,
Serene : we signed a 4 years virtual contract aren't we?
Endy : I'm signing another contract
Endy : to put the heart into the non-existence space.
Endy : So that it won't break.
Endy : So that it won't crush on the floor.
Endy : And let it safe inside me
Serene : Endy, I'm sinking, deep into an unknown space.
Endy : Then, sink into the non-existence space.
Serene : It is a very unsure place
Serene : And I'm not very sure whether it is darkness or it's a light.
Serene : But it is indeed give me warmness
Endy : I can't assure you the light nor the darkness
Endy : But I assure you the comfortance
Serene : Can this sinned dark heart fit in there?
Endy : It suited the most
Serene : Is there any other words better than "I do" to answer you?
Endy : Say that "I would love to be ur unintended"
"I would love to"-Serene replied. Endy smile. Serene shy.
Endy : Your heart is safe in me now.
Serene : I need to hide my face under my pillow
Endy : Nope, hide behind my back.
Endy : I can sense your heart is strongly alive inside me.
Serene : Heh. You are so confident arent you?
Endy : Confidence enough to tell myself that I fall for you
Endy : A sweet tragedy
Serene : A betrayal of friendship
Endy : I'm a traitor.
Serene : I thought it was me
Endy : Both of us did.
Endy : And that makes it a sweet tragedy.
So this is how the sweetest tragedy of Mountain and Miracle happen
Endy : There's an empty hole inside me.
Endy : And the other half is being cut
Endy : Seems to fit the empty hole.
After Serene's confession of how she had being blinded before she reached her 30's, Endy made a statement. A sudden statement that really makes Serene lost her words.
Serene : I thought it was a non-existence space.
Serene : It can be seen but it can't be touched.
Serene : So the other half of her heart
Serene : Crushed on the floor instead.
Endy : It can be touched.
Endy : Try to put the heart into it's place.
Serene paused. She got shivered as she realized there is something creepy on Endy's words.
There he goes. Serene understand well what he is going to say. 'Unintended'. A song title by Muse " A story of a person coming out of depression because they have recently found happiness from love, and they now wish to see their life through to the end". It is one of her favorite masterpiece. And She knows, Endy's found his happiness by saying those words. Serene is hardly can breath, she wanted some specific clarification from Endy. She is now puzzled. She stand on earth yet she can't feel the ground. "Am I flying?"-she asked herself.
Endy : I know you understand that.
Serene : But,
Serene : we signed a 4 years virtual contract aren't we?
A 4 years contract that controls us from betraying our friendship. (refering the previous entry)
Endy : I'm signing another contract
Endy : to put the heart into the non-existence space.
Endy : So that it won't break.
Endy : So that it won't crush on the floor.
Endy : And let it safe inside me
Serene : Endy, I'm sinking, deep into an unknown space.
Endy : Then, sink into the non-existence space.
Serene : It is a very unsure place
Serene : And I'm not very sure whether it is darkness or it's a light.
Serene : But it is indeed give me warmness
Endy : I can't assure you the light nor the darkness
Endy : But I assure you the comfortance
Serene : Can this sinned dark heart fit in there?
Endy : It suited the most
Serene : Is there any other words better than "I do" to answer you?
Endy : Say that "I would love to be ur unintended"
She paused. But, she is then answered. Too slow that she can't even listen to her voice. She is so nervous, plus the excitement that she never experienced before, a confesion of love.
Endy : Your heart is safe in me now.
Serene : I need to hide my face under my pillow
Endy : Nope, hide behind my back.
She feel like in heaven. Having someone else back to cover her. A shoulder that is now hers. A place that she can call as home. A person that she can say "I'm yours". A reason for her to say "Hello, I'm taken".
Endy : I can sense your heart is strongly alive inside me.
Serene : Heh. You are so confident arent you?
Endy : Confidence enough to tell myself that I fall for you
Endy : A sweet tragedy
Serene : A betrayal of friendship
Endy : I'm a traitor.
Serene : I thought it was me
Endy : Both of us did.
Endy : And that makes it a sweet tragedy.
Tragedy. We called any friendship betrayal as a tragedy. "I will now pronounce you, boyfriend and girlfriend". pfft.
"You may be not be my first. But my heart is full of you, now and no one else. I really fall for you. Thank you for falling for me too"-Serene.
"Thank you to let you heart transferred into me and make me full of you, for just you. You are inside my heart. Dont be scared. I'm yours. When you feel the coldness, I'll be your comforter to warm you. When you your heart covered by the darkness, I'll be your light to brighten you. Dear God, thank you, for the Miracle that You had granted me. And I'm no longer a heartless. I'm taken."-Endy.
"You may be not be my first. But my heart is full of you, now and no one else. I really fall for you. Thank you for falling for me too"-Serene.
"Thank you to let you heart transferred into me and make me full of you, for just you. You are inside my heart. Dont be scared. I'm yours. When you feel the coldness, I'll be your comforter to warm you. When you your heart covered by the darkness, I'll be your light to brighten you. Dear God, thank you, for the Miracle that You had granted me. And I'm no longer a heartless. I'm taken."-Endy.
16 | 09 | 2011
You were born in the zoo
Like a monkey and kangaroo
Happy Birthday to you
It is such a waste when you know how to play birthday song but the birthday person can't listen to your play. It is sad, when you thought that you could spend the day together but it ended up you are alone looking at the time ticking until the day's end. It is tearful, when you have been dreaming days and night, the celebration of this coming day but the day doesn't give any damn of how it should be celebrated.
Looking at the moon, it is not perfectly full, but the shine is still so bright. The brightness that give people hopes. The light that guide people in a darkness. The beauty that makes people dazzled. I'm holding my hands, wishing to the moon light, hoping the missing person sharing the same sight, embracing the same dream, fantasizing the same thought.
I'm glad that we have been met. I'm gratified that you were born. I'm pleased that you were ever exist in this very short life. I'm happy that we have shared our beautiful memories together. I'm thanking God for His creation. And for this very day, I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday and have a blast, this year and upcoming years. Thank you for being born.
Looking at the moon, it is not perfectly full, but the shine is still so bright. The brightness that give people hopes. The light that guide people in a darkness. The beauty that makes people dazzled. I'm holding my hands, wishing to the moon light, hoping the missing person sharing the same sight, embracing the same dream, fantasizing the same thought.
I'm glad that we have been met. I'm gratified that you were born. I'm pleased that you were ever exist in this very short life. I'm happy that we have shared our beautiful memories together. I'm thanking God for His creation. And for this very day, I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday and have a blast, this year and upcoming years. Thank you for being born.
#The day
The day we hooked up together was the day you were being thrown out from your house, the day you were being an orphan and the day you got a new home by being adopted by someone and being loved by the one.
"Life isn't being too cruel, cause I've been granted a miracle, a serene to keep me in peace, who turns to a cloud to suck my sadness and bring down the rain to give me rainbow. such a sweet tragedy i couldn't resist."-Endy
#A Pray For The Angelic Demon
To the dark labyrinth heart.
May the one above us keeps you safe.
Even the upcoming obstacles confronting you.
Face them with a little grin.
And give your best shots.
I'm praying for you, from far.
Separated by the South China Sea.
-Endy-
Serene : Fuuuh~ South China Sea. Heh. The distance is too far. I bet there will be so many obstacle on it's way to reach that labyrinth heartless angelic demon
Endy : It may be too far. But, once the wall of your dark heart fall, nothing can stop its way to reach that labyrinth heartless angelic demon.
The wall has already falls. So there's nothing can stop to reach me.
And how about yours?
#Nickies
The Great Wall of Serene
Angelic Demon
Dark Heart
Dark Labyrinth Heart
Angemon
"Did I accidentally gave you many names"-Endy asked me
"I never gave you any didnt I?"- Serene replied
"Chipsmore. You called me Chipsmore before"-Endy
And you still do like to be a Chipsmore, and forever do. But the different is, you will never going to see this chipsmore again. Because it has already been eaten by the cruel mist.
'Now you see it and now you gone'-Chipsmore's ads.
The Insanity
Spending time together everyday seems like a miracle to me. Sharing the laughter, the cares, the thought, the pink ambient making us stepping closer to one and another. The heartbeat keep on chasing the time, faster and faster while every each of the beat singing together with a very beautiful song. The body trembled from the nerves of excitement. And Serene's heart no longer can lie.
"Damn! I got blinded before I reach 30. And whose fault is that?"
"Dear God, save me from this insanity"
Serene wrote something, somewhere.
Endy was busy doing his stuff, But he noticed this saying somehow.
Endy : My fault. capture me
Serene : But it wont reach.
Serene : You are too far.
Serene : You live in my future (4 years forward)
Endy : Indeed.
Endy : But once kadi said,
Endy : "aku nikahkan dikau dengan Serene"
Endy : "dengan mas kahwin RM7, tunai"
Endy : And I said
Endy : "aku nikah dengan puteri bulan dengan mas kahwin RM7, tunai"
Endy : And the witness said; "Sah",
Endy : You'll be mine
Serene : Haha.
Serene : Silly you. Your lafaz is incorrect. Witness wont say 'sah'
Serene : Plus you are so obsessed with number 7. Am I that cheap? lulz
Endy : I haven't learn about the lafaz, I'll learn it later.
Endy : You are not cheap.
Endy : It's me who obsessed with number.
Endy : Let say we use your miracle, RM107k. okay?
Serene : Any number is fine sayang. As long I'm becoming yours
Endy : InsyaAllah
Another dream. some other hope.
Once you get in. You'll lose yourself off
Once you get in. You'll lose yourself off
Prince of Earth
There was a time when I was so into the Moon because of a friend of mine was the Sun and his girlfriend was the Star. So we were keep on talking about objects on the sky. Then later I realized. I'm not the Moon. I'm actually a princess coming from the Moon, Serenity. (I always dream that I'm princess Serenity).
Endy : If you are the princess, so let me be the prince
Serene : Ok, then you will be prince Endymion
Endy : Who is Endymion?
Serene : Endymion is the prince coming from the Earth.
Serene : He and Serenity had fall for each other
Serene : Then becoming the legendary of the world greatest love
Serene : This is the story
i aint that sad
you dont need to be worry about that
i know you are not bad
i hope i can listen that
the song that you are good at
hey its full moon tonight
serenity will be come back
to meet her beloved chap
but endymion has been snatched
by bella the antagonist crap
theres nothing serenity can do to help
she commited suicide as the final act
after killing her love on the chest
and the queen send them to earth for a coming back
heh its a good plot right?
i was hoping i was like that
A Bitter Sweet Smile by anooan,2010
Endy : Wow! I look handsome in this picture.
Endy : And no one will snatch me away
Serene : Sad story isnt it?Serene : But later, they are reborn as normal person on Earth.
Serene : Bumped each other, and fall again.
Serene : Then becoming the superhero
Serene : And saving the world from the demon.
Endy : Haha. nice story
Endy : Endymion, the prince of the Earth. It suit my name very much.
Endy : 'The Mountain'
And Endy read sailormoon manga since then.
the reason of 4 years contract
Endy : Do you want to know why I choose 4 years later to approach you?
Endy : Four years forward, not now.
Serene : Eh, but i thought we were only joking around
Endy : Haha. We'll see when you turned 30Serene : But why?
Endy : 4 yearsEndy : 4 years to build a stable life
Endy : 4 years to be a good servant to the lord
Endy : 4 years to be a good family leader.
Having a delusional dream is indeed giving people a false hope.
But that is what we people love to do.
Dreaming, and stay living in a dream.
While the reality, you leave it untouched.
While the reality, you leave it untouched.
How a contract should end
There was a day, after being in a contract. Serene asked Endy
"I wonder, how long will this relationship last?"
He replied,
"Until someone comes to you for a marriage proposal"
"or when you ask me to leave"
"So Endy, if someone propose me first"
"Your 'employment' will automatically being terminated"
"kikiki"
but now.......Serene lost her words.
In her hand, is a torn contract document.
the 4 years contract
Few weeks later after this conversation, Endy said this;
" If you are still available at 30, I'm willing to propose you"
"If I can open my heart for you, why not"-I smile
"Ok. It's a deal"-Endy
...................................
Life continues. Working, studying and living as usual. My juniors are graduating at that time, and I'm congratulating them for their success. The young Architects are now born. Being a part time Architect and a full time Lecturer make me feel a little bit envy to those who are practicing as a full time Architect. Moreover, after over heard rumors saying that our second degree or being a professional Architect is equivalent to master study. While I am here, furthering my study for another master really makes me frustrated. Having double degrees/double masters is wasting my age. That is what I think.
Endy : It's okay, the knowledge owns no limitation of age
Serene : I'm a girl. Of course there's some limitation
Endy : The limitation exist
Endy : When your family/husband doesn't support your ambition.
Endy : And I'm still there for you if we've reach our deal
Endy : Where you are not yet belong to anyone
Serene : Kehkehkeh. Ok. It's a deal
Serene : Hurm... Since u already set a dateline
Serene : I should give a term and condition, fair and square agreement
Endy : Yes. You can decide the rules.
Serene : And the deal will be 'Our Hearts Are Smiling'
Serene : What do you think?
Endy : Our hearts are smiling to each other?
Endy : For stone races like both of us?
Endy : Let see whether we can decode the hearts to smile.
Endy : Let see whether we can decode the hearts to smile.
Endy : I agree.
Stone race? I think his heart is already smiling. erm. And mine too. So the contract is officially set.
[•] the end of the darkness
The only things left are leaving me one by one due to the in-activeness of the existence. Everyday, waiting at the remembrance garden, watching things vanished, fading to the nothingness, like there's nothing had ever happened, is the sadistic life I'd ever faced. The feeling of watching someone's dying without anything we could do to help. Leaving and being leaved, this is what life all about. The sudden change is a therapy to start a new life.
From the darkness, to the serene of light. Making over something, to chance everything, yet, life's colour is still as nebulous as the stirred of black and white. I used to say that I'm a darkheart-ed girl. And now, I'm a nebulousserene, wanting for some light of guidance, but the light is still hiding somewhere behind the heavy mist.
"I will never forget. The dark heart, the dark layout, with a dark labyrinth room (which is your heart). But I know, you are not that dark, cz you are the Perajurit Kasih Sayang" - Endy said.
But Endy never knows, that the dark layout is already death, and the white miracle, is the reborn.
#our dream
Our perfect dream is to spend our time with one and another by having our 7A's by our side, with a great breakfast at a warm dining room in a small country house, with sun shine strike direct to the dining table, lighting up our lovely day start, listening to the laughter and the joy and sharing the loves and the cares. Together. Forever. What a lovely dream we could ever imagine.
Dear God, The seven A's with the seventh soul. Can I really able to have them all? And only MIRACLE can answer.
LEGEND:
Seventh Soul : is the owner of the character two
Seven A's : are the dream children of the character one and two
[•] poison leaked
its full with lies and darkness
though lights are still exist
but corruptions will always controling
there are thousands of poisons
injecting every each of my vein,
my breath and my heart beat
deep down i think
the poisons are already dominating
but the cure is still unknown
located at someplace that is unreal
inside the heart of the greatest mountain
that has been hidden by the heavy obscure
maybe raining is the only way
to wipe out this evil mist
#something from the past
"A Caption of A Love & A Pray"
I dedicate this for you Endy
Dear Endymion,
I’ll be forever around
My shoulder is for you to shed your tears on
My mind is for you to conquer
Every minutes every second of time
My love is for you to trust
My heart is to give you beat of life
My smile is to keep you calm
And I’m here to give you drugs all the time
Dear Endymion,
Dont smile when you are sad
I'll be your cloud
And suck all your sad
I'll bring down the rain
And bring you rainbows of fortunate
Dear Endymion,
My biggest happiness
Is to make you smile
To make you happy
And to love you dearly
Dear Endymion,
My biggest sadness
Is to see you cry
To watch you losing your soul
And to help you without helping
Dear Endymion,
Stay shine with beautiful skies
Be tough with all things that confront
Do smile cz God loves you and this is not a lie
Dear Endymion,
Cry with no tears
Missing to no images
Love to only you
And its all given by God
He may give us hell
But He promise us heaven as a reward
Dear Endymion,
Remembering your sweetness might get me diabetes
But having aaroncancer inside me
And aanpneumonia inside you
Is the only hope of my life
And your name is forever stay in my heart
Love,Serenity
[•] knight
TheFourHorseman. There are 3 knights whom I'm familiar with. And because of this place, Endy found me through his friends, Sir Ultraman and Matahari which both of them coincidentally are my friends. This is a place of virtual revolution. And of course I know nothing about it. I don't have a good brain as they do. YES, the three of them are superb genius.
 |
| http://knightadventure.blogspot.com/ |
And I was quite surprised that this place is still active. But unfortunately, Sir Ultraman, Matahari and Sir aaROn are already death. Luckily, Matahari has been resurrected few weeks back. He is my brother, the only knight left for me. Still, I hope that my knight is still alive, survived from his own battle at someplace, somewhere.
#coincidence
The first time ever Endy comes to my place. He used A.J instead of his name like he had told me earlier. And I kind of shock and my body tremble as from fear nor excitement. Because....
-------------------------------------------
hello hi
dont forget to smile
every second every minutes every distance every mile
i'll be away for a while
please leave your message IF you dare to. bubbye
*
A.J. said...
I'm smiling.
Serene said...
Eh, A.J? What a great coincidence. Congratulation for able to smile.
A.J. said...
My name? Great coincidence? Why? May you explain if you dont mind
-------------------------------------------
There are two loves in my whole life. And both were called A.J. The second A.J comes after 4 years I struggled hard to forget the first A.J. Cool heh? Afterall, I live in a fairytale.
festive seasons
During festive seasons, I would help out in the kitchen and help Aeryn, my sister in her cooking. We like to make Manok Pansoh and lamb chop for the special dinner.
During festive seasons, I would spend a great dinner with them, and we talk about lives, with our family members are increasing as 1 by 1 get married. i would hang out with the other male family members, in living room, talk about what a great life we have, with the beers on the table.
During festive seasons, my sisters friends would come and enliven our house with their laugh and cheers.
.......during festive season.......
"Hey Endy! There's a festival at the downtown! How's your day?"
memory
Home. It is not just a shelter. It is not necessarily a house. It’s a place of happiness. A place where we enjoy the love with person/things that you care. It maybe a castle, or maybe it is not. Or it can be a non existence space. But it is a place that makes you feel comfortable. It is a place that makes you feel belonging. It is a place that you can be you. It is a place for you to laugh to cry to share everything. It is a place for you to love and to be loved. It is a place for you to come back. It is a place of you.
Living in a sub urban area, in a big house far away from the rumah panjang community never makes me feel that I'm not one of them. I live in a quite modern family with my parent and six other married sisters except for Aeryn. I'm the seventh soul, the only guy, the peacemaker of all girls in my house-whole.
There's a warm living room with sofa set and tv where I can see my niece and nephew play while I'm watching tv. From there, I can smell Aeryn's cook. Mom is doing chores and the others are working. My elder sister, Pai, she seldom home as she work at the big city, 4 hours travel from our place.
There's a deck at the back yard where I normally spend my time with my guy friends, drinks and chitchat-ing. It has a very nice view as our house located at a hillside facing a green mount.
My room is located at the upper level, next to Aeryn's room. It's a warm room where I can spend days in it by reading books.
Aeryn is the closest sibling. We shared almost everything. We consoled each other and we have each other. I always help her to cook for the whole family. She always comes to my room to nag and to read books.
And everything is changed since the day she found Al-Quran on my book shelf. No more family hours at the living room, no more guys talk between me and dad, no more nagging from my sisters, no more drinks at the back yard. And the house looks empty.
"I'm an orphan, even before my parent died. I'm losing them"-Endy
"My home? I live at the center of two different places, the truth and the false. And my home is no longer my home, because my home is currently become a place for me to escape"-Serene
[•] chimes. and it is not beauty
There are two types of unreachable phone call.
one;
"the number you have called is not reachable"
and two;
"the number you have called is not in service"
Can you differentiate these two?
Yes, you'll get number two after more than 3 months you live with the number one.
a fantasy pray
Whenever people said that they are having so much fun doing things that make them feel released, escaping themselves from the reality, I will then wonder in myself, that I don't even live in my reality. I live in a fairytale. A fantasy land where I thought that I am a princess coming from the moon. I am so much know that miracle never promise me to live happily ever after. All the rainbows, shooting stars, butterflies, they are just overrated. But deep in my heart, I think, I still love living in this virtuality fantasy land. A delusion that can makes me smile at least. cz I fairly know that reality cant really makes me smile.
My hopes and my prays, are always be this, wishing for a dream comes true. And wishing that the sleeping angel will give my beloved Endy, a beautiful dream tonight and night after and night forever. And hoping that, he wont get any pain and fear.
And Endy's pray was hoping for the sky to protect his cloud.
And Endy's pray was hoping for the sky to protect his cloud.
friend
I am not very friendly. I dont really can make friends by myself unless for business and academic purposes. And I dont have any charm to make people attracted to be my friend. And of course, I have a deserted blog which I seldom promo it for people to read, cz I dont really want to burden people by reading my crap. So, I started to question when someone becoming too eager to be my friend.
Serene : Dear hubby, why do you want to be my friend?
Endy : I'm keeping the answer after you are 30.
Serene : Why?
Serene : That is too long
Serene : I bet you already forgot by that time
Endy : Nope
Endy : I wont
Endy : I wont forget our deal
Serene : It takes 4 years from now
Serene : Why are are being so secretive?
Serene : Theres nothing wrong to tell your own wifey isnt it?
Endy : There's nothing wrong
Endy : But, let it be a secret.
Endy : If we're destinied to each other,
Endy : Then it'll be a sweet reason for our 1st night
Endy : But if we are not
Endy : I'll tell you after you married.:d
Serene : Thank you for accepting me as your friend (though I can only know the reason behind it after 4 years)
Its happen when we already close to each other. We were calling ourselves as hubby-wifey. Its for entertainment only, no special feeling in it. But, I think I have been forgotten before I reach 30. And the worst part is, I cant forget him.
[•] giving up
"Don't lose yourself"
Endy, I'm losing myself. and I'm giving everything up.
EVERYTHING
[•] a trust
or perhaps it is just a bet?
But I still believe in fairytale. The story of the greatest mountain of a miracle with a sweet little tragedy. I can sense the beat. Its double.
#the silence of a melody
"Silence is also a melody. Tell your heart that the silence is a sound of peace and calm. Then the heart can interact with your lips to make a little grin thus can make others smile. That is so romantic isnt it." (Serenity, 2010)
These are my words. I used these to console my friend when she was down. But I found it is good not only for her, but for me as well. I said to Endy, "When you are feeling lonely, try to think that loneliness is actually a very beautiful melody. Means your happy memories will entertain you". He agreed.
And I apply these on me now. The combination of seven and oneoseven is a rhythm of our memories that entertain me. I guess.
And I apply these on me now. The combination of seven and oneoseven is a rhythm of our memories that entertain me. I guess.
Dark Heart
Living in a 'wonderland' allow me to be myself. Showing my ugliness, showing my sadness, showing my anger, showing the beast in my darkest medium. And through this medium, I can see things that unexpectedly can be seen in my real life, an understanding through observation and saying, because I used metaphor a lot! (that was before). I had bad competency in explaining things beneath, And this medium does helps me cure the poisons that couldn't be pooped out from my body by itself. And one of the person who see the dark me was him. He was still a stranger back then.
Stranger : Serene deactivated FB, and upgrading unclickable right click on your page? Still raining isnt it?
Serene : Sigh~ I'm so afraid when I'm getting too attached, too close with people, because I have a beast inside me that can makes people disappointed. Once a while I need to make my self invisible to public though they dont actually give a damn of my existence. That is why I deactivated it.
Stranger : Dont lose yourself, Serene, this is not the first time you deactivated FB.
Serene : Hee. I'm not losing myself. I'm controlling myself from letting others hurt because of me. It's normally last for few hours only. No big deal. People won't notice.
Happy! I got a stalker. This stupid girl has a stalker. I overjoyed myself because I never experienced having a stalker before. lulz. I dont know, it feels like I'm existed.
Stranger : What a unique way to control yourself. Wow.
Serene : I call it selfish and stupid. Running away is not going to solve my stupid personality problem isnt it?
Stranger : Kahkah. But someone did realize that your FB is deactivated
Serene : Haha. Yeah~ That is so funny. Should I thanking you for noticing my existence or should I be afraid of you instead?
Stranger : I dont know, I considered it as coincidence. eg. your "I lost in a middle of my dark heart" entry, I read it before you changed the original content (coincident while browsing). And there's nothing to be afraid of, coz I'm virtual. And no thanks, coz I'm just a surfer.
Serene : OMG. No wonder you called me Dark Heart. I forgot the content already. It shows my selfishness isnt it? Cant recall. Sometimes I feel so lucky for having this forgetful stupid brain.
I'm a forgetful person, and this is a fact.
Stranger : I will never forget. Dark Heart, with dark layout, with a black labyrinth room (which is your heart) haha. But you aint that selfish, coz you stated already that you are a "perajurit kasih sayang"
Serene : wow. You sure have a very nice memory arent you. Dark layout suit me better I think. My blog is a medium for me to poop.
Stranger : Running away, you said it just now. But you sure have a solid reason for that, right? If not, You won't run recklessly.
Serene : Maybe yes or maybe no. I dunno. I am selfish, told you already. I have dark heart remember?
And Dark Heart remains as my name since that.
Miracle
Miracle of romance. It is something that I do believe in. But it is something that impossible to be happened to me. To fall for someone like me, 'cair' as I've been told by Ultraman, showing the fragile-ness, showing the tears, act like a lovely young lady, who is refined and polite, though I am actually not. I'm a curse bitch, hiding the beast inside my body, who tend to kill every person that comes near me.
"I guess many had fall for you isnt it?"
"Somehow I sense that you are adored by your personality"
Endy said that twice when he was still a stranger to me.
"But I'm not adoring you" Endy added more.
Yet. He had falls for me without realizing it. And same goes with me. I call this miracle. Love is something you cannot predict. It comes and it goes. It blooms and it crashed.
"I should work double harder to make you adore me" a joke from me.
"Kahkahkah. There's no need to." He replied
"I'm virtual. And what you see is a non-image person"
His reply gave me a head shot. Falling in love with a non-image person is something we shouldn't do. Standing on a very thin line, a separator between virtuality and reality, somehow makes me lost in my own dark labyrinth heart. And I wish, miracle will happen to me again.
p/s : Thanks for the comments dearest loves. I locked it up cz I love the number. 107, the miracle. And I love you guys too.
[•] morning prayer
I know how hard mountain had tried to get my attention.
And now, it is my time to get his.
Dear angels of miracle,
please let my words spread and seep into mountain's heart.
lust
"My heart is dark. I had created rains. Thousands of rains"-Serene
"If i make your heart darker, tell me as fast as you could, and i wont trouble you again"-Endy
On one fine day. Endy tells me something. It's regarding how a friendship can be betrayed in just a minute because of lust. It means, if we let the instinct and emotions controll us more, we might fall recklessly. We do have feelings, but without lust and added by a trust, the feelings are just different. It's logic to love. without logic, lust existed. And if lust exist, he must have falls for me, he said. But he added more that he wont, because he respected me as a friend.
I appreciate those words, and he got my trust for not falls for me. I do respect him as the way he respects in me. And if he might lost his respects towards me, I will still respect him as the way he is.
And later,
Endy: I wonder, will a 26 years old falls for me?
Endy: Will the over 25 years old people fall for me? A 22 years old guy.
Endy: Somehow, i dont think so.
Serene : Hurm, why are you asking?
Endy: Because you are one of the 25 years old and above.
Serene : Haha. I dunno. Are you really into older woman? Same like most of my friends
Serene : I wonder, is this a current trend,
Serene : for a youngster to fall for elder?
Endy: maybe, haha
Serene : Why? If the reason is because they dont like clingy girl.
Serene : Then, that guy will be later regretted.
Serene : Because older woman is the most boring creature
Endy: Nope. Not my reason. To me, older woman is antique.
Endy: Damn! It must be the influences brought by my sisters.
Endy: Dont worry, I wont fall for you right now,
Endy: cause i appreciate our friendship more
Serene : Hee, good to hear that
Endy : Come on. I wont let your heart darken.
Serene : I know, I trust you.
Endy : Pssst. But I hope you are still available at 30. *laugh
We were contracted under an agreement before. The contract is valid once I get 30. But its still unofficial. Yet.
Our idea of betraying a friendship
"The existence of lust in a friendship is kind of betrayal.
but it is not a bad betrayal"-Serene
"It is not a betrayal. It is a sweet tragedy"-Endy
L.O.V.E
It can happen anytime, anyplace, any person at any condition
a sudden propose
There was a time, when I had a fight with my mother. I felt like I'm being abandoned. Feel unwanted. And that was the time when a sudden proposal has been made. A proposal that lead us to the beautiful fairytale. I was talking with a friend of mine at that time regarding this matter,
I cried here
alone
in the darkness of a heart
by the feeling of being left behind
feel miserable
as a result of being unwanted
ignored by the love
abandoned like a puppies
being pushed to the end of nowhere
then it crushed to pieces
scattered
scrambled
on an unnoticeable surface
what left is only a trash
valueless to be treasured
worthless to be appreciated
threatening to be loved
threatening the love with no warning
hurting the love using no weapon
but the blood of tears
is unstoppable
it cannot be seen
yet it can be feel
regretful
ashamed
for the mistake that I've made
but this is me
which cannot be changed
this is me who choose
perhaps one day
the me that you anticipate
will come to you
cherish you
loving you
as expected from you
i love you
i dear you
and this is true
Kei : Unwanted.
Kei : What if you make mistakes all the time but they still love you but you never try to change?
Kei : I'm just a speeding horse who bumped into a tree.
Serene : It is the matter of times.
Serene : Perhaps one day.
Serene : I will change.
Serene : But come to think of it, I'm getting worst. sigh
Kei : Funny. Maybe, when our minds gets older, we'll laugh on this matter
Kei : "why we are so naive and ego that long long time ago"
Serene : Yeah~maybe :'(
and out of sudden
Endy : Will you be my someone? or at least a friend?
"did he wanted to console me?" I'm talking to myself.
Serene : Wah. *touching
Serene : You are already become someone to me, Endy. Since you were upgrading yourself from a pure blood anonymous to a mixed blood anonymous. hee
That is what I called him. a mixed blood anonymous. Since he was a stranger with a name and no figure.
Endy : And I'm trying not becoming an anonymous. Can we at least be a friend?
I left this question without any answer. Because i dont know how to reply. He is still a stranger to me. And I'm afraid of stranger. Then he come again.
Endy : I'm still wishing that you can add me in messenger.
He added more. He has actually been rejected few times to be added in my messenger. I dont dare to give my 'direct conversation' medium to just anybody. But, after a night of thinking and considering, and he seems to be a nice guy, and polite, I then agree to give him my address.
Serene : your wish is my command my dearest mixed blood anonymous friend
And then later, we start our conversation, and it was surprisingly comfortable. And I warn myself, comfort-ness, is the most uncomfortable place. Do not ever trap in it, or you'll get yourself killed without even realizing it. Heh, comfort-ness makes us fall for each other. We trapped in a beautiful fairytale.