a fantasy pray

Whenever people said that they are having so much fun doing things that make them feel released, escaping themselves from the reality, I will then wonder in myself, that I don't even live in my reality. I live in a fairytale. A fantasy land where I thought that I am a princess coming from the moon. I am so much know that miracle never promise me to live happily ever after. All the rainbows, shooting stars, butterflies, they are just overrated. But deep in my heart, I think, I still love living in this virtuality fantasy land. A delusion that can makes me smile at least. cz I fairly know that reality cant really makes me smile. 

My hopes and my prays, are always be this, wishing for a dream comes true. And wishing that the sleeping angel will give my beloved Endy, a beautiful dream tonight and night after and night forever. And hoping that, he wont get any pain and fear. ‌

And Endy's pray was hoping for the sky to protect his cloud. 

"When I look at the world and there’s so much pain and anger, mistakes and failures, I just look at the sky and think God’s still good cause he gave me someone like you that tells me, Angels are still around."- a resend enormous saying by Endy

friend

I am not very friendly. I dont really can make friends by myself unless for business and academic purposes. And I dont have any charm to make people attracted to be my friend. And of course, I have a deserted blog which I seldom promo it for people to read, cz I dont really want to burden people by reading my crap. So, I started to question when someone becoming too eager to be my friend. 

Serene : Dear hubby, why do you want to be my friend?
Endy : I'm keeping the answer after you are 30.
Serene : Why?
Serene : That is too long
Serene : I bet you already forgot by that time
Endy : Nope
Endy : I wont
Endy : I wont forget our deal
Serene : It takes 4 years from now
Serene : Why are are being so secretive?
Serene : Theres nothing wrong to tell your own wifey isnt it?
Endy : There's nothing wrong
Endy : But, let it be a secret.
Endy : If we're destinied to each other, 
Endy : Then it'll be a sweet reason for our 1st night
Endy : But if we are not
Endy : I'll tell you after you married.:d
Serene : Thank you for accepting me as your friend (though I can only know the reason behind it after 4 years)

Its happen when we already close to each other. We were calling ourselves as hubby-wifey. Its for entertainment only, no special feeling in it. But, I think I have been forgotten before I reach 30. And the worst part is, I cant forget him. 

[•] giving up

"Don't lose yourself" 

Endy, I'm losing myself. and I'm giving everything up. 

EVERYTHING

[•] a trust

or perhaps it is just a bet?

But I still believe in fairytale. The story of the greatest mountain of a miracle with a sweet little tragedy. I can sense the beat. Its double. 

#the silence of a melody

"Silence is also a melody. Tell your heart that the silence is a sound of peace and calm. Then the heart can interact with your lips to make a little grin thus can make others smile. That is so romantic isnt it." (Serenity, 2010)

These are my words. I used these to console my friend when she was down. But I found it is good not only for her, but for me as well. I said to Endy, "When you are feeling lonely, try to think that loneliness is actually a very beautiful melody. Means your happy memories will entertain you". He agreed.

And I apply these on me now. The combination of seven and oneoseven is a rhythm of our memories that entertain me. I guess.

Dark Heart

Living in a 'wonderland' allow me to be myself. Showing my ugliness, showing my sadness, showing my anger, showing the beast in my darkest medium. And through this medium, I can see things that unexpectedly can be seen in my real life, an understanding through observation and saying, because I used metaphor a lot! (that was before). I had bad competency in explaining things beneath, And this medium does helps me cure the poisons that couldn't be pooped out from my body by itself. And one of the person who see the dark me was him. He was still a stranger back then.

Stranger : Serene deactivated FB, and upgrading unclickable right click on your page? Still raining isnt it?

Serene : Sigh~ I'm so afraid when I'm getting too attached, too close with people, because I have a beast inside me that can makes people disappointed. Once a while I need to make my self invisible to public though they dont actually give a damn of my existence. That is why I deactivated it.

Stranger : Dont lose yourself, Serene, this is not the first time you deactivated FB.

Serene : Hee. I'm not losing myself. I'm controlling myself from letting others hurt because of me. It's normally last for few hours only. No big deal. People won't notice.

Happy! I got a stalker. This stupid girl has a stalker. I overjoyed myself because I never experienced having a stalker before. lulz. I dont know, it feels like I'm existed.

Stranger : What a unique way to control yourself. Wow.

Serene : I call it selfish and stupid. Running away is not going to solve my stupid personality problem isnt it?

Stranger : Kahkah. But someone did realize that your FB is deactivated

Serene : Haha. Yeah~ That is so funny. Should I thanking you for noticing my existence or should I be afraid of you instead?

Stranger : I dont know, I considered it as coincidence. eg. your "I lost in a middle of my dark heart" entry,  I read it before you changed the original content (coincident while browsing). And there's nothing to be afraid of, coz I'm virtual. And no thanks, coz I'm just a surfer.

Serene : OMG. No wonder you called me Dark Heart. I forgot the content already. It shows my selfishness isnt it? Cant recall. Sometimes I feel so lucky for having this forgetful stupid brain.

I'm a forgetful person, and this is a fact. 

Stranger : I will never forget. Dark Heart, with dark layout, with a black labyrinth room (which is your heart) haha. But you aint that selfish, coz you stated already that you are a "perajurit kasih sayang"

Serene : wow. You sure have a very nice memory arent you. Dark layout suit me better I think. My blog is a medium for me to poop.

Stranger : Running away, you said it just now. But you sure have a solid reason for that, right? If not, You won't run recklessly. 

Serene : Maybe yes or maybe no. I dunno. I am selfish, told you already. I have dark heart remember?

And Dark Heart remains as my name since that. 

Miracle

Miracle of romance. It is something that I do believe in. But it is something that impossible to be happened to me. To fall for someone like me, 'cair' as I've been told by Ultraman, showing the fragile-ness, showing the tears, act like a lovely young lady, who is refined and polite, though I am actually not. I'm a curse bitch, hiding the beast inside my body, who tend to kill every person that comes near me. 

"I guess many had fall for you isnt it?"

"Somehow I sense that you are adored by your personality"

Endy said that twice when he was still a stranger to me. 

"But I'm not adoring you" Endy added more. 

Yet. He had falls for me without realizing it. And same goes with me. I call this miracle. Love is something you cannot predict. It comes and it goes. It blooms and it crashed. 

"I should work double harder to make you adore me" a joke from me. 

"Kahkahkah. There's no need to." He replied

"I'm virtual. And what you see is a non-image person" 

His reply gave me a head shot. Falling in love with a non-image person is something we shouldn't do. Standing on a very thin line, a separator between virtuality and reality, somehow makes me lost in my own dark labyrinth heart.  And I wish, miracle will happen to me again.

p/s : Thanks for the comments dearest loves. I locked it up cz I love the number. 107, the miracle. And I love you guys too.

[•] morning prayer

I know how hard mountain had tried to get my attention. 

And now, it is my time to get his. 

Dear angels of miracle, 

please let my words spread and seep into mountain's heart. 

lust

"My heart is dark. I had created rains. Thousands of rains"-Serene

"If i make your heart darker, tell me as fast as you could, and i wont trouble you again"-Endy

On one fine day. Endy tells me something. It's regarding how a friendship can be betrayed in just a minute because of lust. It means, if we let the instinct and emotions controll us more, we might fall recklessly. We do have feelings, but without lust and added by a trust, the feelings are just different. It's logic to love. without logic, lust existed. And if lust exist, he must have falls for me, he said. But he added more that he wont, because he respected me as a friend.

I appreciate those words, and he got my trust for not falls for me. I do respect him as the way he respects in me. And if he might lost his respects towards me, I will still respect him as the way he is.  

And later,

Endy: I wonder, will a 26 years old falls for me? 

Endy: Will the over 25 years old people fall for me? A 22 years old guy. 

Endy: Somehow, i dont think so.

Serene : Hurm, why are you asking? 

Endy: Because you are one of the 25 years old and above.

Serene : Haha. I dunno. Are you really into older woman? Same like most of my friends

Serene :  I wonder, is this a current trend, 

Serene :  for a youngster to fall for elder?

Endy:  maybe, haha

Serene : Why? If the reason is because they dont like clingy girl. 

Serene :  Then, that guy will be later regretted. 

Serene : Because older woman is the most boring creature

Endy: Nope. Not my reason. To me, older woman is antique.

Endy: Damn! It must be the influences brought by my sisters.

Endy: Dont worry, I wont fall for you right now, 

Endy: cause i appreciate our friendship more

Serene : Hee, good to hear that

Endy : Come on. I wont let your heart darken.

Serene : I know, I trust you. 

Endy : Pssst. But I hope you are still available at 30. *laugh

We were contracted under an agreement before. The contract is valid once I get 30. But its still unofficial. Yet.

Our idea of betraying a friendship

"The existence of lust in a friendship is kind of betrayal. 

but it is not a bad betrayal"-Serene

"It is not a betrayal. It is a sweet tragedy"-Endy

L.O.V.E
It can happen anytime, anyplace, any person at any condition

a sudden propose

There was a time, when I had a fight with my mother. I felt like I'm being abandoned. Feel unwanted. And that was the time when a sudden proposal has been made. A proposal that lead us to the beautiful fairytale. I was talking with a friend of mine at that time regarding this matter, 

I cried here

alone

in the darkness of a heart

by the feeling of being left behind

feel miserable

as a result of being unwanted

ignored by the love

abandoned like a puppies

being pushed to the end of nowhere

then it crushed to pieces

scattered

scrambled

on an unnoticeable surface

what left is only a trash

valueless to be treasured

worthless to be appreciated

threatening to be loved

threatening the love with no warning

hurting the love using no weapon

but the blood of tears

is unstoppable

it cannot be seen

yet it can be feel

regretful

ashamed

for the mistake that I've made

but this is me

which cannot be changed

this is me who choose

perhaps one day

the me that you anticipate

will come to you

cherish you

loving you

as expected from you

i love you

i dear you

and this is true

Kei : Unwanted. 

Kei : What if you make mistakes all the time but they still love you but you never try to change? 

Kei : I'm just a speeding horse who bumped into a tree.

Serene : It is the matter of times. 

Serene : Perhaps one day. 

Serene : I will change. 

Serene : But come to think of it, I'm getting worst. sigh

Kei : Funny. Maybe, when our minds gets older, we'll laugh on this matter 

Kei : "why we are so naive and ego that long long time ago"

Serene : Yeah~maybe :'(

and out of sudden

Endy : Will you be my someone? or at least a friend?

"did he wanted to console me?" I'm talking to myself. 

Serene : Wah. *touching

Serene : You are already become someone to me, Endy. Since you were upgrading yourself from a pure blood anonymous to a mixed blood anonymous. hee

That is what I called him. a mixed blood anonymous. Since he was a stranger with a name and no figure. 

Endy : And I'm trying not becoming an anonymous. Can we at least be a friend?

I left this question without any answer. Because i dont know how to reply. He is still a stranger to me. And I'm afraid of stranger. Then he come again. 

Endy : I'm still wishing that you can add me in messenger. 

He added more. He has actually been rejected few times to be added in my messenger. I dont dare to give my 'direct conversation' medium to just anybody. But, after a night of thinking and considering, and he seems to be a nice guy, and polite, I then agree to give him my address. 

Serene : your wish is my command my dearest mixed blood anonymous friend

And then later, we start our conversation, and it was surprisingly comfortable. And I warn myself, comfort-ness, is the most uncomfortable place. Do not ever trap in it, or you'll get yourself killed without even realizing it. Heh, comfort-ness makes us fall for each other. We trapped in a beautiful fairytale. 

metaphor replies

There was a time, when Serene was in her doom, and she wrote this;

dear dark heart

why are you always alone

how am i going to find the answer

if you're always like this

the only think you can do is just

harassing the eyes

and force them to cry

why dont you just be friend with brain

since your voice is not so good in sharing the doubt

i know

your brain is not good

but at least

he is more rational than you

and smarter than you too

while you?

being so emotional & sensitive

then provoke your nerves to tremble

thus hurts others

sorry for making you see

the bad side of my darkest heart

this isn't your fault

it's mine

i'm the one who should be blame

for making this child spoiled

thus creating thoughtless anger

Endy : "you are full of metaphors, Dark Heart"

Serene : "Because I dont know how to nag directly."

Endy : "I'm bored. so, here's a reply for the metaphor"

dear dark heart

you are never alone

the one above us always keeps you safe

you are not harrasing the eyes

but they are attracted with the personality

which made them a loss to not own you

its not the brain of no good

but a wise step of unhurt

the emotional & sensitive are your specialties

the trembles reflects of the sacred wall

which can't satisfy all

where not all can smile,

neither all can cry,

it aint the bad side i see of what you saw of,

but a pure heart to protect others to not fall recklessly

non-blame yourself

unleashed the unbearable stress

as you may make ones smile or cry

which assembled of appreciation

For Serene, understanding her metaphor is like listening to her problems, giving her a very warm hugs. releasing her tense and sharing the same thought so she wont feel alone. So she really be thankful to Endy, for giving this reply, for accompanying her when she is in her doom. And she felt so lucky to have someone that can understand her. That's what she thought. 

#time travelling 6 | what is true love?

"If you have someone. let him/her go, if he/she comes back to you, you'll know that he/she is yours forever"

Words, not mine. It his. His understanding of true love. And i hope he still hold this words tightly, as i wait for my true love to come back. And I hope it is my true love. And the limit time is 4 years, as stated in our agreement.