a fantasy pray


Whenever people said that they are having so much fun doing things that make them feel released, escaping themselves from the reality, I will then wonder in myself, that I don't even live in my reality. I live in a fairytale. A fantasy land where I thought that I am a princess coming from the moon. I am so much know that miracle never promise me to live happily ever after. All the rainbows, shooting stars, butterflies, they are just overrated. But deep in my heart, I think, I still love living in this virtuality fantasy land. A delusion that can makes me smile at least. cz I fairly know that reality cant really makes me smile. 

My hopes and my prays, are always be this, wishing for a dream comes true. And wishing that the sleeping angel will give my beloved Endy, a beautiful dream tonight and night after and night forever. And hoping that, he wont get any pain and fear. ‌

And Endy's pray was hoping for the sky to protect his cloud. 


"When I look at the world and there’s so much pain and anger, mistakes and failures, I just look at the sky and think God’s still good cause he gave me someone like you that tells me, Angels are still around."- a resend enormous saying by Endy

friend


I am not very friendly. I dont really can make friends by myself unless for business and academic purposes. And I dont have any charm to make people attracted to be my friend. And of course, I have a deserted blog which I seldom promo it for people to read, cz I dont really want to burden people by reading my crap. So, I started to question when someone becoming too eager to be my friend. 


Serene : Dear hubby, why do you want to be my friend?
Endy : I'm keeping the answer after you are 30.
Serene : Why?
Serene : That is too long
Serene : I bet you already forgot by that time
Endy : Nope
Endy : I wont
Endy : I wont forget our deal
Serene : It takes 4 years from now
Serene : Why are are being so secretive?
Serene : Theres nothing wrong to tell your own wifey isnt it?
Endy : There's nothing wrong
Endy : But, let it be a secret.
Endy : If we're destinied to each other, 
Endy : Then it'll be a sweet reason for our 1st night
Endy : But if we are not
Endy : I'll tell you after you married.:d
Serene : Thank you for accepting me as your friend (though I can only know the reason behind it after 4 years)


Its happen when we already close to each other. We were calling ourselves as hubby-wifey. Its for entertainment only, no special feeling in it. But, I think I have been forgotten before I reach 30. And the worst part is, I cant forget him. 

[•] giving up



"Don't lose yourself" 



Endy, I'm losing myself. and I'm giving everything up. 
EVERYTHING


[•] a trust


or perhaps it is just a bet?






But I still believe in fairytale. The story of the greatest mountain of a miracle with a sweet little tragedy. I can sense the beat. Its double. 



#the silence of a melody


"Silence is also a melody. Tell your heart that the silence is a sound of peace and calm. Then the heart can interact with your lips to make a little grin thus can make others smile. That is so romantic isnt it." (Serenity, 2010)

These are my words. I used these to console my friend when she was down. But I found it is good not only for her, but for me as well. I said to Endy, "When you are feeling lonely, try to think that loneliness is actually a very beautiful melody. Means your happy memories will entertain you". He agreed.

And I apply these on me now. The combination of seven and oneoseven is a rhythm of our memories that entertain me. I guess.

Dark Heart


Living in a 'wonderland' allow me to be myself. Showing my ugliness, showing my sadness, showing my anger, showing the beast in my darkest medium. And through this medium, I can see things that unexpectedly can be seen in my real life, an understanding through observation and saying, because I used metaphor a lot! (that was before). I had bad competency in explaining things beneath, And this medium does helps me cure the poisons that couldn't be pooped out from my body by itself. And one of the person who see the dark me was him. He was still a stranger back then.



Stranger : Serene deactivated FB, and upgrading unclickable right click on your page? Still raining isnt it?
Serene : Sigh~ I'm so afraid when I'm getting too attached, too close with people, because I have a beast inside me that can makes people disappointed. Once a while I need to make my self invisible to public though they dont actually give a damn of my existence. That is why I deactivated it.

Stranger : Dont lose yourself, Serene, this is not the first time you deactivated FB.
Serene : Hee. I'm not losing myself. I'm controlling myself from letting others hurt because of me. It's normally last for few hours only. No big deal. People won't notice.




Happy! I got a stalker. This stupid girl has a stalker. I overjoyed myself because I never experienced having a stalker before. lulz. I dont know, it feels like I'm existed.




Stranger : What a unique way to control yourself. Wow.
Serene : I call it selfish and stupid. Running away is not going to solve my stupid personality problem isnt it?

Stranger : Kahkah. But someone did realize that your FB is deactivated
Serene : Haha. Yeah~ That is so funny. Should I thanking you for noticing my existence or should I be afraid of you instead?

Stranger : I dont know, I considered it as coincidence. eg. your "I lost in a middle of my dark heart" entry,  I read it before you changed the original content (coincident while browsing). And there's nothing to be afraid of, coz I'm virtual. And no thanks, coz I'm just a surfer.
Serene : OMG. No wonder you called me Dark Heart. I forgot the content already. It shows my selfishness isnt it? Cant recall. Sometimes I feel so lucky for having this forgetful stupid brain.



I'm a forgetful person, and this is a fact. 



Stranger : I will never forget. Dark Heart, with dark layout, with a black labyrinth room (which is your heart) haha. But you aint that selfish, coz you stated already that you are a "perajurit kasih sayang"
Serene : wow. You sure have a very nice memory arent you. Dark layout suit me better I think. My blog is a medium for me to poop.

Stranger : Running away, you said it just now. But you sure have a solid reason for that, right? If not, You won't run recklessly. 
Serene : Maybe yes or maybe no. I dunno. I am selfish, told you already. I have dark heart remember?



And Dark Heart remains as my name since that. 


Miracle



Miracle of romance. It is something that I do believe in. But it is something that impossible to be happened to me. To fall for someone like me, 'cair' as I've been told by Ultraman, showing the fragile-ness, showing the tears, act like a lovely young lady, who is refined and polite, though I am actually not. I'm a curse bitch, hiding the beast inside my body, who tend to kill every person that comes near me. 



"I guess many had fall for you isnt it?"
"Somehow I sense that you are adored by your personality"

Endy said that twice when he was still a stranger to me. 

"But I'm not adoring you" Endy added more. 



Yet. He had falls for me without realizing it. And same goes with me. I call this miracle. Love is something you cannot predict. It comes and it goes. It blooms and it crashed. 



"I should work double harder to make you adore me" a joke from me. 
"Kahkahkah. There's no need to." He replied
"I'm virtual. And what you see is a non-image person" 



His reply gave me a head shot. Falling in love with a non-image person is something we shouldn't do. Standing on a very thin line, a separator between virtuality and reality, somehow makes me lost in my own dark labyrinth heart.  And I wish, miracle will happen to me again.



p/s : Thanks for the comments dearest loves. I locked it up cz I love the number. 107, the miracle. And I love you guys too.